Audrey,
I don’t even know where to start–
I feel so lost. I am so nervous to be without you. But that’s something I should’ve considered before I mistreated you, betrayed you, disrespected you and made you feel alone.
I never wanted to make you feel this way. Love is war. It’s not easy. But it doesn’t have to be so painful to the point of you feeling the way you did for the majority of our time together.
You’re not happy and I can tell. You’ve been unhappy in this relationship for too long and I continued to have false hope that I could somehow make it better while only making it worse. I should’ve left you alone and we both know it. I’ve had chance after chance to let you live your life and all I did was take from you. I dragged you backwards for months and months and took your focus away from your goals and wants and didn’t meet your expectations and bare minimum needs.
And I’m sorry that. I’m sorry for setting you back. I took nearly a year from you. Selfishly stripped almost an entire year from you in return for my happiness. And I’m sorry. I feel awful for that. Time is precious and especially at the phase of life we’re at. Time you won’t get back and it likely will just get chalked up as another regret and waste. I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry for the doubts I gave you. I lost your trust over a year ago and never successfully got it back. Because of things I showed you. Because I did things that made you think and feel like I didn’t care. And I put in no effort. I always bitched about you not trusting me but kept giving you reasons not to trust me. It’s pitiful. And I was my own detriment
I’m sorry that I’m a nervous wreck. When it comes to relationships. It’s not my expertise, I’m very much NOT a natural. You’ve had to press and pry for everything in this entire relationship and it boiled down to a severe lack of effort from your perspective when it was just timidity on my part. Scared of rejection. Scared I’m not going to do it the right way, or your ideal, dream way. Scared waiting for the perfect time, which leads to wasting time.
I’m sorry for the fighting. I know I’m hard headed and argumentative and I chose not the hear you out when you needed me to. It’s so wrong and so shallow. I always made it out to seem like I had a point to prove rather than listening and being gentle. I never made you feel heard. I never just simply validated your feelings and made you feel like your vulnerability was protected with me.
You’ve been quite the opposite for me and I am so regretful of how I conducted myself and proved I really wasn’t the one for you all along. That’s all I ever wanted to be and I miserably failed.
I’m sorry for the events last winter. Spamming you, drunk texts, calls, disrespecting certain people around you that you cared about. I didn’t really know your situation the entire time, but I truly should never have wanted to make you or anyone in your life uncomfortable. I know you said you noticed and loved my effort, but it was wrong. Completely inconsiderate to you attempting to live your life. While you shut me out of your life for a really great reason, I forced myself back in several times just leading to taking another several months from you that you can’t get back. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for blowing you up the second I even thought things went bad with your ex-boyfriend. I gave you no time to heal from these things. That is 100% to blame on me. And I couldn’t see it in real time. I didn’t think about what long-term damage that could do to you and how it started us in a hole. This is a huge regret of mine.
I’m sorry for asking for another opportunity in November. We both know I didn’t deserve it and it only brought you down further. I’d already had too many chances to prove to you I could be the one to make you happy.
I want to thank you for all you’ve done for me. You treated me like a king. You brought me up when I was down. You babied me when I needed it. You always put me first before anything else in your life. You gave me the best–no kidding–best birthday ever. You made me feel special. You made me feel powerful. You made me a better person.
They say the only person that wants you to do better than theirselves is your parents. But I felt that same type of unconditional love from you. You always wanted me to succeed. You always took interest in the things I cared about. You always were present in every aspect of my life.
You said something to the effect of “we don’t have the capability to reach each other’s needs.” And I explicitly want to correct that and make it very known that my needs were always met. You always made me feel special. You always made me feel respected. I loved bringing you around my friends and family. I loved going out with you. I truly could not have asked for anything else.
I’m grateful for the people you’ve introduced me to. I really do like your mom a lot and she grew on me very fast. I really liked Luke and Faith. I really enjoyed hanging around your family– Brady, the little ones, they’re a blast. I am so disappointed in myself. I don’t even know how you’ll bring this up to your mom but I’m sure she’ll be disappointed. And possibly angry at me for how I conducted myself to her daughter. That’s a really bad feeling.
I’m so grateful for you and all of the high points and great things of this relationship that I personally felt. I’m sorry it came at your expense. I'm sorry you couldn't feel the fulfillment that I did.
You’re like a dream. All I ever wanted. And I am dreading the ensuing years that I will be filled with regret and self hate for not handling this relationship like a true man. From having everything I ever wanted in the palm of my hand to throwing it out the window like its trash. That is awful.
I do want the best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel loved. I want you to feel trust. I want you to feel secure. I want you to feel respected. I want you to feel supported. I want you to feel confident. I want you to feel excitement. I want you to feel validated. I want you to feel valuable. I want you to feel priceless. I want you to feel like a princess and a queen at the same time. I want you to feel LOVE. But I know I can’t make you feel those ways. And I hate me for it, but I’ve been given chance after chance to prove to you I can, and I failed each and every time. And I’m sorry.
There’s a quote from a song that says:
It takes twice as long to forget someone, as it does to get to know.
I’ve known you for 486 days as of writing this. Twice as long makes 972 days. August 29, 2027 to be exact. Ironic and crazy. And actually awful. But my 26th birthday maybe just maybe I’ll finally be OK.
As much as I feel like you were the perfect compliment to me, I cannot continue to act like I was the same compliment for you.
You are perfect. You’re anything a guy could want and need. Just as you made me feel for months, you’re going to make a lucky son bitch feel amazing. Feel loved and cared for and respected. You’re going to be the perfect companion and parter. I do hope you find that. That hurts so fucking much but realizing it now is just so much more logical. I hope your next one is your last. And I hate I had to set a poor example of what to look for. I’m not OK about it at all. The exact man I wanted to be is the man that you deserve and that man isn’t me. It never was and you never deserved the burden and I never deserved you.
Despite all the negative themes in this letter, I’m not seeking pity. And nothing I said in this rights any of my wrongs. If I use a the phrase like “miserably failed,” I’m not seeking sorrow from you, rather just expressing my understanding of how bad I drove this situation to the edge. I did fail at this. I failed at being a decent boyfriend. I failed at making you feel loved. I’m sure I failed at making you feel appreciated. I know I failed at making you feel secure and confident. And I hate myself for being the cause of the distraught and loneliness and sadness. I’m sorry.
To be completely clear– There is no expectation of a response. If anything, I’m asking you don’t. Part of why I’m writing you this way is so you can’t really respond. You’ve put in more than enough effort and wasted more than enough time with me. You’ve said enough and given me too much of your time, energy and life to gain the very least.
Insanity can be defined by repeating the same action while expecting different outcomes, highlighting the futility of such behavior.
I don’t want you to feel unwanted. I so badly want to say fuck all of this fighting, I’m sorry, come back, give me a chance. But the cycle we’ve been in of your sheer pain, cries for help and unhappiness are not fair to you. Leaving me and being lured back in with empty promises. I’m not doing that to you this time. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to realize how bad I am for your health and the pain I’ve inflicted, but I can’t bring myself to keep doing this to you.
I want to fight to keep this like anyone who does care would. But the pain I'm causing you is so unfair and unforgivable.
I want you so bad. I want our relationship so bad. I want to get old with you and experience life with you and struggle with you and grow with you. But it’s most painful knowing the damage I’ve already done and swallowing the pill that you truthfully are better off without me. The quality of your life is better without me. It hurts to admit that. And I hate that I have to admit that.
I don’t know too much about girls but know there’s a huge gap between how females and males take this kind of pain and we both know you’ve been emotionally detached for some time. Probably around Utah, but sometimes I feel like it was a lot earlier than that. It’s not fair that I dragged this relationship out while you were emotionally suffering. And I was promising I'd be better and never fulfilled those promises. It's not your job to fix me and I'm sorry I used you to do that. I hate that I did that to you and I’m sorry.
I’ve been so critical about the negative forces and bad influences when the worst of it all was right here the whole time. The support around you now with family and new friends were put there by God. And the one’s cut out or lost recently were also done so for a reason, me included.
I've been so in love with you Audrey. For a long time. Obsessive and crazy. And I'm sorry those end up as just words vs the actions you needed. I am so grateful for every second I spent around you, thinking about you, talking about you to my friends/family. It was great.
Obviously I’ll let our Snapstreak time out today. I’m sure I’ll be unadded sometime this week and I have to believe it’s for the better. We know the more accessible you are to me the more susceptible I am to cause problems. I know you’ll unfollow me pretty soon and that’s OK too. With respect for your privacy and new endeavors, new life, and eventually soon new people around you that constitute reasons not to tie yourself to me any further.
I do kind of want my hoodie back, if I may. I have some clothes of yours you need back as well. Please don’t give back stuff like the old flowers or gifts or anything you know for a fact is not “mine” and I cannot use. I know rationally you wouldn’t want to hoard that though stuff and I won’t blame you for throwing it out or something. If you were to leave something at my house maybe during the day when you know I can get it pretty quick.
I know it would be your last resort but I am more than willing to help with anything if you’d ever need it. If you had a question about a web related thing one day or something like that. I don’t hate you and I owe you so much.
You never hurt me for the sake of hurting me. I did things to force you to act in ways that hurt me– but it all led back to how I was treating you first. I’ve cried a million tears already and a million of those I blame on me.
This is the hardest goodbye of my entire life. How you put it, “a random person from the club,” yes, was literally the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to experience. I can feel everything from the moment I finally came to terms with what is truly best for you, to walking you out, to the hug you gave me. All of those moments kill me and shreds me to pieces. I can still feel you and hear you, it’s awful.
You’re free now. No matter how bad that fucking stings. You’re free now. I’m sorry I stopped you from living the life and being the woman you were chosen for. The dream that I had that you could fulfill those things and we could do it together was always flawed. I’m sorry.
Happy New Year Audrey. Cheers to a fresh start for you. Season 1 Episode 1 does indeed start January 1, 2025. Although I am pitifully upset that I can’t be there for it, I know exactly what I did to land me in this place. If I wanted to be apart of it I would’ve done what’s necessary to be there with you for it.
Things will look up in time. Hopefully sooner rather than later. So keep your head held up. Trust in God and the path you’re down. You’re free now.
I wish I could’ve been all you wanted and dreamed.
Wish I could give you a fraction of what you gave me.
I love you Audrey. I miss you so fucking much already.
I’m sorry for everything.


Thank you for all the memories.

Thank you for your kindness, your loving soul, the care you showed for me.

Thank you for showing me real love.

Thank you for the way you made me feel. Like I was on top of the world.

Thank you Audrey. I do love you and do hope you find the the things you're searching for. I know you feel better soon.